I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
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Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
IT’S-A ME,
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.