*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
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Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi