Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
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Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I am patiently waiting for your email
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.