“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Facebook Twitter
Every. Damn. Time.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house