English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“and you are November’s PM yes?”