Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
You Might Also Like
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!