Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Sign of the day..
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.