do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
You Might Also Like
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.