It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I bet birds love this building.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
kevin is now a local weatherman
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT