McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
This headline is a thing of beauty
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’