having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door