I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
That’s enough internet for the day
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff