If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
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lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I occasionally drink every single night.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”