Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
TODAY
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
What in the hipster hell is going on here