Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
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Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I put the hot in psychotic.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I’m just playing devils avocado here