Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.