Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
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Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Only Americans understand
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?