Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Important reminders
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.