If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
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do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
had to make it
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN