You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
You Might Also Like
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Usage Guidelines
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.