Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
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Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
all bases covered
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy