When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea