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[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
The future is now.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?