I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Scream sneezers need love too.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
🐕🍷