If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
ugh not again
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Practicing safe sax
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.