Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
can’t catch a break
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Pigeon open mic night.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.