In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
You had me at “define legal”.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.