My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok