her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
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I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Cardio Made Easy
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I painted a hot chick with big jugs