Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
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This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
You can’t rush stupid.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.