Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.