People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
A French press is when you hug naked
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101