I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
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“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Labreador
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb