Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.