I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.