I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.