ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
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If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The photographer’s assistant
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”