The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”