Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
A Match(.com), but for socks.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Danger is very dangerous
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I think the cat got the dog high.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.