Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
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I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
How software testing works
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Omg 🤣
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat