Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
You Might Also Like
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Proctology is located in A55
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Duck typos.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right