living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
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Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Tastes like chicken.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club