Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
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If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to