you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
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4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Can’t. Being lazy.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Saving my good tweets for marriage