who named him groot and not spruce lee
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I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha