like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
so, is there a mister shapen head
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip