I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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(Jupiter –
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.