People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
still the best tweet of the year by far
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card