Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I don’t know what to do