The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
What?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”